Wednesday, February 24, 2010
This Illness was not Metaphoric
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Our History of Violence
It’s Not Funny
I can count on one hand the number of times I have walked out of a movie before the end. It takes quite a lot for me to forego the $10 ticket price. A year or so ago, however, I left a movie three quarters of the way through because I was so disturbed by the violence playing out on the screen. Funny Games staring Naomi Watts and Tim Roth, a remake of an Austrian film by the same name, is one of the most disturbing and disgusting pieces of cinematographic abuse ever perpetrated on filmgoers. The film is about a family held hostage and systematically tortured and killed by two tennis white wearing preppy monsters. Even now it makes me nauseated.
Disturbing as this movie is, it’s just the latest example of America’s obsession with violence. The mere fact that I was one of only three people to leave the movie that night shows just how inured we have become to violence. Sex? The same country that sees a national disgrace in Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction has made television shows like Law and Order and CSI top rated programs. It’s a sick society we’ve created for ourselves.
Kirby Dick’s 2006 documentary This Film is Not Yet Rated explores the Motion Picture Association of America’s seemingly schizophrenic ratings system. His film explores the secretive group of people who rate movies and the disparity between ratings for movies showing heterosexual sex, homosexual sex, and graphic violence. The threat of an NC-17 rating has set up a quasi censorship system where hetero sex scenes, as long as they are not too graphic, are allowed, homosexual sex scenes are less frequently allowed unless the sex is between two women while depictions of violence are pretty much given carte blanche. The extremely violent Saw film series is routinely edited to avoid NC17 ratings, but they are sickengly violent nonetheless. In the current system, sex is dangerous and murder is entertainment.
What sort of sick twisted society do we live in where it’s okay to torture and murder a family, including a young child, on film, but showing two people making love is not okay? America was founded on violence. America is a violent society. But does popular culture reflect the inherent violence in America or does it feed it? The recent accounts of young female coeds in North Carolina and Alabama being murdered, while tragic, really didn’t national press coverage. But the “if it bleeds it leads” mentality has desensitized us to violence, especially if it’s violence against young white women. Murder is all around us, therefore we barely flinch when it’s played out online or on screen.
Until you’ve had violence touch your life in a tangible way you cannot understand just how devastating murder is. My family has been a victim of a violent crime. My brother’s girlfriend was murdered in their home and the home was set on fire to hide the crime. The murderer was never caught. After watching a murder in a movie, one gets up, walks out of the theatre to their car, and goes on about their lives. It’s easy to forget when you know that what was depicted on screen was not really “real.” But there is no walking away from real violence. It stays with you for many years. Jeanette’s murder still haunts my family over ten years later.
Watching people being murdered should not be entertainment.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A Few of My Favorite Things
These are a few of my favorite things...and you'll notice there's not a raindrop on a rose or a whisker on a kitten to be found.
New York Magazine
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
There is a Difference
In the brouhaha about Harry Reid’s comments last year about then candidate Obama’s skin color and lack of a “negro” dialect” many Republicans compared his remarks to those made by then Senate Republican Leader Trent Lott at Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday party in 2002 and accused Democrats of a double standard. Lott was quoted as saying “"When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We’re proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over the years, either.” But there is a big difference between these two remarks that Republicans refuse to or are unable to understand.
While Reid’s comments were probably ill advised, they were the truth. It is more difficult for a dark skinned African American to be elected to public office. One study conducted during the 2008 during the campaign showed voters three pictures of Obama, one where his skin was lighter, one where his skin was darker and one with his natural skin color. Voters were asked to pick which photo was the correct representation of Obama. Supporters of Obama picked the photo with the lighter skin color while opponents of Obama picked the darker photo. Americans, like it or not, are uncomfortable with race and our world views tend to dictate how we see people of color, especially those running for public office.
Senator Lott’s comments, however, were quite different. Lott seemed to give voice to the idea held by many Southern Republicans that the country would be better off had the segregationist Thurmond been elected and the civil rights advances of the last 50 years had not occurred. That the Republicans cannot see the difference in these two comments, or refuse to confront the fact that a majority of their constituency, especially in the South, are racist will do little to keep their party from continuing to become a regional party. One need only look at the tea party rallies with their racist Obama cartoons, or the cries of “kill him” and “terrorist” shouted at Palin rallies during the campaign last year, or the indefensible “birther” movement that asserts that Obama, as the ultimate “other” cannot be an American citizen and is inherently foreign.
I grew up in a small town in East Texas, a town that was and continues to be segregated. The African Americans live in “The Acre”, the white people live everywhere else. In my high school graduating class there were only 2 African Americans out of 83. Although my parents taught us to treat everyone equally, only after moving to Austin and working with African Americans did I realize I was to a certain degree racist. I had never been exposed to African Americans on a regular basis but once I was I was ashamed of the way I had thought for so many years, that somehow African Americans were beneath me. It’s something I still feel guilty about. But I don’t think I do myself or anyone else any good by ignoring the fact that there continues to be a large, vocal portion of the American population that judge people by the color of their skin and not by the content of their character. Harry Reid recognized this. Trent Lott seemed to think it was okay.
There is a big difference in the two.
Lessons from 1948
Listening to the Senate Armed Forces Committee hearings Tuesday on President Obama’s decision to try and end “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” was sort of disheartening. Of course the arguments for and against repealing President Clinton’s 1993 compromise followed party lines. Democrats support the repeal, the Republicans don’t. Most of the Democrats took a “live and let live” attitude while the Republicans reminded Secretary Gates and the Admiral that any decision about repealing the law would be Congress’ decision, which means it will probably not be repealed despite the fact that the President, The Defense Secretary and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs want it repealed. While I was listening to this hearing I thought about Truman’s decision after WWII to desegregate the military and the pushback he received from a military that largely was not ready for it, a country that was opposed to it, and a Congress who fought it, and the leadership he showed in forging ahead with what was one of the most important civil rights decisions in the 20th century.
In 1948, after the Gillen Board’s report which stated the Army’s future policy should be to “eliminate, at the earliest practicable moment, any special consideration based on race" and a presidential advisory board report that stated, “nothing could be more tragic for the future attitude of our people, and for the unity of our Nation, than a program [referring to the Truman administration's proposed Universal Military Training program] in which our Federal Government forced our young manhood to live for a period of time in an atmosphere which emphasized or bred class or racial difference" President Truman decides to end segregation in the military through executive order. President Truman at one point said, “I want the job done and I want it done in a way so that everyone will be happy to cooperate and get it done.” By the end of 1951 the military was desegregated, almost 20 years before American society as a whole could say the same thing.
There are lessons for President Obama and the Democrats in the comparison between desegregation of the military and repeal of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell and opening the military to openly gay people. Some of the same arguments against desegregation were used Tuesday, that the military is not an instrument for social evolution, or that allowing gay and lesbians in the military will ruin unit cohesiveness. That these arguments were made Tuesday in Southern drawls by the Republicans was probably what made me think of desegregation in the first place. It took two years and the Korean War to finally get the military integrated. But President Truman showed real leadership on this issue, and in this instance was out in front of the rest of the country. He knew what was right and was willing to push and use his bully pulpit for the greater good of the country. Had the rest of the country integrated at the same time the military did our country would be in a much better place than it is today.
Repealing Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell will be difficult; the Republicans are not about to let this issue go in an election year, despite the fact that many in the military favor repeal. This issue is a test of Obama’s leadership. Let’s hope he leads more like Truman and less like Clinton.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Head Shots
Strange How things Happen
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Made Redundant
Made Redundant
You don’t really think it will happen to you, even though it’s happening all around you. Somehow you don’t want to believe that your number could be up, that despite the temporariness of work these days, especially the job I had, the layoff letter thanking you for your service but telling you those services are no longer required would be pushed across a desk by a manager who was just as confused as you are. On January 14 I found out the temporary job I had with the federal government that lasted for almost four years would end on January 29.
I have been laid off twice before at other companies. Once when I was in college I worked for a small bank in San Marcos that spent $600,000 on consultants who came into the bank to find ways to improve efficiency, one of those ways being to lay off two part time employees who, together, maybe made $15,000 per year (I always marveled at the logic of that business decision). While that was a big blow to my psyche, I was in school at the time and essentially living off my parents so it wasn’t devastating. The second time I was laid off was in 2002 from American Airlines. I was also in school at that time, working on my Master’s in English at SMU and was only working part time at American, so between my monthly stipend at SMU and unemployment I was able to manage pretty well financially. In some ways though, this most recent layoff was more devastating. I think it was so surprising partly because I had been told by several managers that I would probably be one of the last people laid off because my production numbers were so high. I also think because this job was the highest paying job I have ever had, I felt more of a loss financially.
I allowed myself one weekend to stew in my sadness, to feel sorry for myself and to be depressed. The next Monday I decided that, quite frankly I had been unhappy where I was working for some time so maybe this was the push that I needed to finally move forward. While I loved the work, helping disaster victims with loans to help them rebuild their homes and lives, I was frustrated that there was little room for advancement at that agency unless I was an attorney. I was ready to move into management and was feeling stuck where I was. Luckily I had already been sending out resumes and query letters for writing projects I wanted to do. I finally sent off the application to law school I had been sitting on for a month or so. I decided to get head shots done and record a demo tape to do voiceover work. I had become very comfortable where I was and might not have left unless forced to. I also remembered that every other time I have been laid off my life actually turned out better than it was before, new avenues opened up, new opportunities presented themselves. I would be okay.
In England they call being laid off “being made redundant.” I think that expresses my feelings at times during the last two weeks. But life goes on and I believe that everything will be okay.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Things I Can't Stand
Friday, February 5, 2010
Be Kind to Yourself
Be Kind to Yourself
A few years ago a guy wrote a book titled Finding the Boyfriend Within. I always joked that I was sick of finding the boyfriend within, that I was ready to find the boyfriend without, I was sick of dating myself, sick of going home with myself and having sex with myself. But some of what he said does make sense, like being kind to yourself helps make yourself ready for a relationship should one come along. Here are 11 ways in which you can do simple easy things to be kind to yourself and find a boyfriend, and even if you don't you will feel great about yourself. And that is uber attractive.
1. Clean your house. It seems like a simple thing, but if you care enough about your surroundings that will show through in the rest of your life. One of the easiest tasks is to make your bed every morning. It’s a small thing that can give you a sense of accomplishment all day long…plus it’s nice to have a made up bed should someone come over later that night!
2. Groom yourself. Most of what I first notice about someone is how they take care of themselves. I’m not talking about gym bodies versus fat or anything like that, but I do notice if someone has a uni brow, if their hair needs to be cut, or if they have nose hair. Zen Salon has some great stylists (and great scenery) for pretty inexpensive. Any of the nail salons do waxing, including nose waxing which I’ve recently become a fan of. Yes it hurts, but not as much as seeing hair growing out of your nose. Check your ears too once you get to a certain age. I’m not even going to get into making sure you wear deodorant. That should be a no brainer.
3. Eat a small amount of chocolate. This may send the buff contingent into paroxysms but truly less than an ounce of dark chocolate every day is good for your heart…and your psyche…indulge in this one thing in moderation.
4. Turn off the TV and pick up a book. While it may be fun to talk about the latest episode of Jersey Shore or the Hills on a date, most people will be more impressed if you have some working knowledge of literature. Some of my favorite genres are biographies, Jane Austen, and the new crop of political tomes about the 2008 election. A rainy day and a well worn copy ofMiddlemarch can do wonders for you.
5. Get Moving. Exercise can be cheap…you can get up early in the morning and walk at a brisk pace which will help your stress level all day. If you can’t afford expensive tennis shoes, go to Target or Nordstrom Rack. They have very inexpensive workout shoes. Also, pick a sport you’ve always wanted to play and play it. I played softball last year for a team in the spring and the fall and it was a blast! I met lots of great people and banished some of the demons I had from first grade baseball.
6. Go to a museum. Dallas has tons of great museums and many of them are free. Of course the DMA and the Nasher are the obvious choices, but don’t overlook the Meadow’s museum at SMU which has free Thursday nights (great idea for a date) . Also, get on the mailing list for places like the MAC or other galleries. They are always having parties to show off new work. You don’t have to buy anything and it’s a great place to meet people.
7. Take a bath. One of my ex boyfriends turned me on to baths. I buy Dr. Bronwyn’s soap from Whole Foods or sometimes I buy bath salts from Cleopatra’s Choice, a great online resource for skin care. If you don’t have time to take a bath, take a sponge bath with Dr. Bronwyn’s and warm water just before you go to bed. It will make you sleep peacefully.
8. Meditate. Meditation is always difficult for me. It’s hard to shut off my grumbly mind sometimes. But if I can do deep breathing exercises for 10 minutes in the morning before I go to work I have a less stressful day.
9. Do something nice for someone and don’t tell anyone. This one is self explanatory. The only requirement is that you cannot tell anyone what you have done.
10. Volunteer. There are lots of non profits in Dallas that need good volunteers. It’s a great way to give back to your community while also meeting like minded people. In the past I’ve volunteered at Nelson Tebedo Clinic, AIDS Arms, LifeWalk, Dallas Legal Hospice, Youth First Texas and AIDS Resource Center. I can tell you that when I volunteer I always feel better about myself.
11. Smile. I see so many guys around Oak Lawn who seem so unhappy, never smiling, looking at their feet as they walk around. It can't be as bad as all that sausage. Try to smile a little and wear life as a loose garment. It will draw people to you.
The most important thing to remember is what a friend told me one time when I was complaining about not having a boyfriend. He said simply, “Become that which you desire.” It is great advice.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The Gay Date
So the cute guy from the bar/gym/Starbucks/car wash has given you his phone number. Now comes the tricky part, how to negotiate the first date without making yourself look too needy or easy which of course you are, but you don’t want to appear that way. Here are some dating tips I have learned in the over 20 years I’ve been out and dating guys.
Who should call whom? I’ve found in my own dating experience that I usually have to be the one to call. I used to think it was because I was such a strong personality I intimidated guys. Now I just think it’s because most guys are just as scared as I am about making the first call. If I am interested in someone I need to make the first move. Definitely if you ask for their phone number you should be the one to call. But if you wait for someone to call you for a date you may be sitting at home surfing adam4adam all night. Don’t text…it’s too impersonal. Also, learn how to take “No” for an answer because if you’re putting yourself out in the dating world, you’re going to hear no a lot. One of the most difficult things I had to learn was that when someone said they didn’t want to go out with me it didn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe they’re attracted to young, slim Asian guys, something I will never be no matter how many salads I eat. Unless you want to become a stalker, let it go. A guy saying no is not the end of the world but a restraining order could be.
If he says yes, then the next step is the date itself. I like Thursday night, the official Gay Date Night, for a first date. It’s perfect. Thursday is close enough to the weekend that you’re a little excited about tomorrow being Friday, yet it’s not actually the weekend so if the date bombs you haven’t actually wasted a weekend night on him. If the date goes really good you have enough time to plan on a Saturday or Sunday date without seeming too easy. Plus you have all day Friday to sext him and flirt before the weekend.
Spank the monkey before you go. It’s not just a laugh line from “Something About Mary” it actually is a good idea. You can focus on him instead of worrying about whether you’re going to get some after dessert. If you’re like me and have a time of the month when you’re especially randy, you may want to clean the pipes twice that day, once in the morning and then just before the date. Just be sure to do it before you shower so you can make sure you’re tidy before the date.
I’m not a big fan of the Movie date, unless it’s in conjunction with a dinner. You can’t get to know anyone sitting next to them in a movie theatre. A coffee date is good if you’re really not sure you want to commit to the full on dining experience. Plus you can tell a lot about a guy by what he orders at Starbucks.
If I call and ask him out I always plan on paying for the dinner. There are lots of great places in Oak Lawn where you can take a date on a budget. The Bronx is a charming, romantic place that’s not too expensive. One of my favorite places is Green Papaya because most of their entrees are less than $10, and it’s sort of sexy sharing a shrimp spring roll with someone and letting them dip in your peanut sauce. Parigi, the Oak Lawn Country Club, is another good place. If you don’t think you can afford dinner, meet for Sunday Brunch. The most important thing is to keep it casual ( read- inexpensive). I took a guy I was really crushing on to Star Canyon once back in the day, we had a wonderful dinner, shared a piece Heaven and Hell Cake, and I thought I was all set to share another piece with him…then when I took him home his next date was outside waiting for him. $100 bucks down the drain on a total loser.
If you drink, don’t drink too much. It might seem like fun to share a bottle of wine with someone, but if you’re going down that road you run the risk of becoming a sloppy drunk and unless the guy you’re dating is a sloppy drunk too, it’s not attractive. If you are both big ol lushes, then you have more serious problems than working on your dating skills. If you don’t get help at Charter get help somewhere.
Don’t, under any circumstances, flirt with the waiter. You may have decided by the time the tea arrives that this guy isn’t for you. That’s fine, but don’t humiliate him. I had dinner with this douche at the Bronx one time, it was clear to me (and obviously to him) that there wasn’t a connection, but he proceeded to flirt shamelessly with the waiter through the whole dinner. As I left I saw him slip his number to the waiter. Seriously? You don’t want to put that sort of dating karma out there in the universe.
Don’t dominate the conversation. You may be the most charming and interesting person in the world, but if you are believe me it will come out naturally without you having to sell yourself like a tranny hooker at the Diamond Shamrock. Usually guys make this mistake because, (A) they are nervous or (B) they are really self-centered. If the guy you’re sitting across the table from is talking about himself nonstop, try to put him at ease…if that doesn’t work then he must be a douche and you can delete his number from your Blackberry when the date is over. If you’re nervous, try to remember that this Chinese dinner is not the most important dinner of your life. It’s just a date. Dating is what we do to learn whether we like someone, to separate the gay wheat from the chaff. I like the Wikipedia definition of dating as “a form of courtship and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner.”
Ask him questions about himself. Most people love to talk about their lives. But be sure to notice if he asks you about your life. If he doesn’t then he’s probably too selfish to date. Don’t ask him about past relationships because it doesn’t really matter what he’s done in the past and most guys don’t like to hear the “relationship” word in any form on a first date. There will be plenty of time for that. If he talks incessantly about his ex boyfriend then he’s probably not available to date you because he’s still in that relationship. There are certain questions I will artfully dodge on the first date. How much money I make is one, who my friends are is another (yes, I had a guy ask me that one time only to name drop the rest of dinner). Those two questions are big warning signs that you have either a $40,000 millionaire or a social climber on your hands…and unless you’re into that type don’t answer natch. Luckily I’m really good at small talk so this part is easy for me, but some people find it difficult. Find out what he’s interested in and talk to him about that. Silence is okay as long as you’re staring into each other’s eyes longingly.
So you’ve made it through dinner. If you’re both into each other then maybe go for coffee or a movie if he’s up for it. Try to avoid going to a club on the first date. Clubs exist for two reasons, for people to get drunk and to find tricks. If you positively have to go to the club, drop him off and say good night and go about your merry way. I’m not the arbiter of anyone’s sex life so I can’t tell you whether to give it up on the first date. But waiting a little for the big event can make it more exciting when it actually happens.
I no longer believe in love at first sight, although I do believe that we are attracted to certain people initially but we shouldn’t overlook people we don’t feel an instant connection with. That guy who keeps chatting you up at the gym that isn’t perhaps an Adonis may be total husband material, but you’ll never know unless you give him a chance. Dating helps you figure out if that spark can kindle itself into a fire. But if you put too much weight on the first date you will come off as needy, grasping and desperate. You may be all three of those things but you don’t want him to know that right up front. Let them fall in love with you then you can each unpack your bags of neuroses together.
Have fun and Happy Dating!
Made Redundant
You don’t really think it will happen to you, even though it’s happening all around you. Somehow you don’t want to believe that your number could be up, that despite the temporariness of work these days, especially the job I had, the layoff letter thanking you for your service but telling you those services are no longer required would be pushed across a desk by a manager who was just as confused as you are. On January 14 I found out the temporary job I had with the federal government that lasted for almost four years would end on January 29.
I have been laid off twice before at other companies. Once when I was in college I worked for a small bank in San Marcos that spent $600,000 on consultants who came into the bank to find ways to improve efficiency, one of those ways being to lay off two part time employees who, together, maybe made $15,000 per year (I always marveled at the logic of that business decision). While that was a big blow to my psyche, I was in school at the time and essentially living off my parents so it wasn’t devastating. The second time I was laid off was in 2002 from American Airlines. I was also in school at that time, working on my Master’s in English at SMU and was only working part time at American, so between my monthly stipend at SMU and unemployment I was able to manage pretty well financially. In some ways though, this most recent layoff was more devastating. I think it was so surprising partly because I had been told by several managers that I would probably be one of the last people laid off because my production numbers were so high. I also think because this job was the highest paying job I have ever had, I felt more of a loss financially.
I allowed myself one weekend to stew in my sadness, to feel sorry for myself and to be depressed. The next Monday I decided that, quite frankly I had been unhappy where I was working for some time so maybe this was the push that I needed to finally move forward. While I loved the work, helping disaster victims with loans to help them rebuild their homes and lives, I was frustrated that there was little room for advancement at that agency unless I was an attorney. I was ready to move into management and was feeling stuck where I was. Luckily I had already been sending out resumes and query letters for writing projects I wanted to do. I finally sent off the application to law school I had been sitting on for a month or so. I decided to get head shots done and record a demo tape to do voiceover work. I had become very comfortable where I was and might not have left unless forced to. I also remembered that every other time I have been laid off my life actually turned out better than it was before, new avenues opened up, new opportunities presented themselves. I would be okay.
I have been fighting the feeling that maybe I did something wrong to cause me to be laid off, that somehow I wasn't good enough to be kept. Of course the problem with that is that at the place where I worked, ability and intelligence counted for little when promotion, hiring or other decisions were made in the past. Those sorts of feelings are really not productive anyway. There is not a lot I can do about what is past, the only thing I can do is work on what is my present. It’s sort of frightening to be competing against all the other people who have been laid off in the last year. But for me, getting into action, doing something every day to feel like I am moving forward has helped.
I have a contract job lined up starting Monday that I'm excited about. Mainly because I won't have to take unemployment for now, which I couldn't live on anyway. And I've been sending out lots of proposals for writing jobs I'd like to do. I'm also hoping this blog thing will take off as well (hint). Luckily I have options. But I still worry about those people I know were laid off when I was who have fewer options than I do
In England they call being laid off “being made redundant.” I think that expresses my feelings at times during the last two weeks. But life goes on and I believe that everything will be okay.